A narcissist can be hard to figure out- sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s the victim and who’s the villain. To find out, you must spend time with both parties- the supposed victim and the supposed villain- and watch for those classic signs. The narc will inevitably show their true character- unreliable, disrespectful, rude, petty, jealous (to the point they put down your accomplishments to make themselves look better), entitled, irresponsible, constant lies and omission of information (just as bad as a lie in many cases), critical of others, arrogant, negative, unhappy, and manipulative. They may display some of these or all of these, but you cannot miss this behavior. It’s such a DRAG to be around someone like this.
For starters, there’s no way to change them. They don’t think there is ANYTHING wrong with them. You are the problem and they are the victim.
There’s a couple things you can try, but ultimately none of them will be effective.
One. You can try to be their friend, to be able to give them constructive criticism about their behavior, tell them when they’re being unreasonable and help them to heal their apparent demons so they won’t have to behave this way- but it will all be pointless. It doesn’t matter how friendly or kindly you say these things, it doesn’t matter if it’s coming from a place of love and good intent. A narc will never admit to any wrongdoing- everyone else is wrong. They won’t even let you hint at any teensy tiny personality flaw they may have, they’re perfect and you’re trying to argue with them for even mentioning it!
Two. A second option is to just simply ignore their behavior and let them get away with their awful words and actions- watch them treat everyone around you like crap, including yourself. But you can only take so much before you snap, and then, again, you’ll be in the wrong for getting angry with them. That’s not allowed. You’re being dramatic. Only THE NARC can be angry, duh.
Three. Third, you can call the narc out on every thing they do. You can tell them when they’re being unreasonable, when they’re being petty, when they’ve hurt your feelings, etc. You can be as direct and unapologetic as possible. But again, they wont admit to any wrong doing, especially not when they’re being accused so openly. They will argue with you, act out, throw temper tantrums, you name it, all in an effort to prove how crazy you are! This option is probably the worst one because it will only make you enemy number one in the narcs eyes.
Four. You can completely just cut them off. No contact, no texts, no phone calls, no speaking when around each other. This can be a simple option if you have no other reason to be associated with them. But, if they’re family, this can be difficult. What if it’s your daughter and she has your grandchildren? Or what if it’s your sister and she has your niece or your nephew? What if the narc is married to your brother? This can be the most difficult option to choose, but probably the one that makes your life much easier. Cutting out negativity is always a good idea.
The narcissist will twist and turn your words, pit you against other family members, whisper about you behind your back, make backhanded compliments and underhanded insults, and ultimately make your life miserable whenever they can. And don’t you dare stand up to them and their behavior because that’s against their rules. They’re allowed to behave however they want and you have to allow it. Or else.
Even if you are nice and smile when letting them know they hurt your feelings, etc, they will act out. They will make excuses, and when you tell them their excuses don’t make any sense, they will only get angrier and further down the rabbit hole you’ll go. They won’t stop until you admit you’re wrong or they’ll just pretend the argument never happened. Apologies don’t exist in the narcs world, unless they’re on the receiving end of course.
Imagine asking a simple favor of the narc:
Victim: Hey, can you take that picture down that you posted of me? I really don’t like it and I asked you not to post it in the first place. Thanks!
Narc: lol 😂
They won’t consider your request, they think it’s funny that you’re upset and they enjoy seeing you angry. If you try to push the issue, they’ll call you crazy and say you’re dramatic.
Or what about something more serious, like them being irresponsible and unreliable:
Victim: Hey, where are you guys? We agreed to meet at 4pm, it’s now 6pm and we’re all waiting on you. I’ve called you and text you for the past 2 hours, what’s going on? We’re super late now
Narc: We took a nap lol and we still have to go to the store so we won’t be there for another 45 minutes
Disrespectful. Disrespectful to your time, your career, your entire life. They don’t care that you’re doing them a favor- they think you owe them the favor and will not apologize for wasting your time. And again, you can’t be mad or upset with them! They will accuse YOU of being dramatic and causing problems!
Let’s look at some underhanded insults:
Victim: I’m so happy I got this job, I can’t wait to finally be a real nurse!
Narc: I’m so glad I didn’t go into nursing, you have to work holidays and weekends! I would hate that, I’m so glad I have off my holidays.
🤔🤔🤔 rude, but okay.
Narc: I can’t wait until we build our house, it’s going to be so much bigger than this small house, this house is tiny!
Also rude and disrespectful. And it’s not like they say these things in a cheerful way that could be seen as a joke. They say them in a rude and condescending way.
Okay… so it’s okay to insult people, belittle them, belittle their excitement, talk badly about their home, car, clothes, jobs, etc? And if you say that it was rude of them, they accuse you of being dramatic! You can’t stand up for yourself because they don’t think you have the right to.
What about when they don’t get their way?
Narc: Can you babysit this weekend? We have a party at 6pm
Victim: I work overnight Friday and need to sleep Saturday! I’m sorry, I can watch them next weekend maybe!
Narc: You can sleep still, I won’t bring them over until 4-5.
Victim: This just isn’t a good weekend, maybe next weekend!
Narc: You can sleep and the kids will be fine! You never want to watch your own grandchildren! If my husbands mother was here she would watch them all the time!
Victim: Well his mother doesn’t have a job, I work full time night shift, it’s not as easy! I need a break from working all night! And don’t forget I practically raised your firstborn, I have helped you plenty! Don’t be so dramatic! I can watch them another time
Narc: OMG I cant believe you! You know his mom can’t work, I can’t believe you said that about her. It’s not her fault! You’re terrible!
See what the narc did here? The victim was simply making the point that they work a full time job and don’t have as much free time as the other grandmother. It’s not meant to be rude toward the other grandmother, but the narc will tell everyone that you were rude and disrespectful. They love to argue and start drama, but will make you look like the dramatic one. Especially when they can’t have their way, they will act out and throw a tantrum. All in an effort to make you look bad because you didn’t do what THEY wanted.
Does the narc have control over their actions? After all, it is a personality disorder. A diagnosable mental illness, right?
The truth is the narc knows EXACTLY what they’re doing. I know this because they choose who they treat badly and who they don’t. They treat strangers better than their own family. Then when the stranger becomes a close friend, they turn on them. They begin to exhibit the same awful behavior to this new friend that they do to those who have been closest to them. Some stick through it, make excuses for them, live in denial. Most cut ties with them eventually and realize that it’s just not worth the headache.
When you finally wise up and stop taking their shit, you have to decide if it’s worth fighting with them constantly to try and get them to change who they are, or if you’re better off just cutting ties. I’ve already said it does not work to fight with them- you’ll never win. They will always argue, never apologize, and eventually you won’t be able to deal with it anymore. So that leaves one thing.
The Solution and the Result
So what’s the best option? To simply not communicate. What’s the point? Being around a person who puts you down, insults you, belittles you, isn’t reliable, isn’t kind, isn’t good-intentioned, is just downright rude and disrespectful- it’s all so depressing! I would never be friends with someone like this. I would avoid them at all cost! Just because the person may be family, does not mean you have to tolerate them and their terrible behavior.
When you cut them off, they’ll blame someone else, you or another family member, but they will never take responsibility for their actions. They won’t even consider that maybe they did something wrong- they’re always right!
If I had family members, or my entire family for that matter, that chose to cut ties with me and not speak to me anymore, I think I would be obligated to do some personal reflection on myself. I wouldn’t post on Facebook about how awful everyone ELSE is and how wonderful I am- that would just make me look stupid, right? The narc that does this would just be showing their narcissistic traits to all of Facebook and probably make people understand why their family has chosen to stop communicating with them, right?
Unfortunately, wrong. While the narcs victims won’t defend them, those who they’ve convinced that they themselves are the victim will defend them. Those who don’t know them that well will try to comfort them. All this does is validate the narc. They feel supported, and if anyone agrees with them, they are enabled and will continue to do their awful deeds without remorse.
Now, what if the narc is family and has children that you want to be able to spend time with still? Well forget it, because they want to be in total control, and now you’re enemy number one! You can remain calm, tell them it’s a personal decision, you hope it doesn’t ruin your relationship with their kids, you want to be involved in the kids lives as much as possible, etc. They will use every opportunity to stick it to you and keep their kids away from you.
And they will try to make you look bad. They’ll say something like “We’d love to get dinner with you while we’re in town”.
But you don’t want to get dinner with the narc. You want to see their kids, but you know that where the narc goes, drama follows. You offer to pick the kids up and take them to dinner, but the narc won’t let you. They say “we had hoped we could all go together like old times”. So you say “I don’t want to be difficult but I think the best way is for me to take the kids and leave it at that”.
So you know what they’ll say? “Well let me know when you’re ready to spend time with all of us in the future”.
They won’t compromise. It’s their way or no way. They think you’re punishing them by cutting communication- now they’ll punish you, too. It doesn’t matter if they have been awful to you, called you names, lied to you, hit you and pushed you around- that’s in the past and doesn’t matter anymore. Their behavior is irrelevant, they’re exempt from any accountability. Even though they complain that you don’t see their kids enough, if you’re not seeing them on THEIR TERMS, then you won’t see them at all. Even though they still talk bad about you, say you’re a terrible person, say you owe them an apology for cutting them off and treating THEM “bad”, they’ll still want to try and force you to spend time with them by giving you an ultimatum- come to dinner with all of us or none of us. It’s all about control and their image. To top it all off, they’ll go around telling people how you never see their kids and how awful you are! But they’ll leave out the part where they refused to let you take them to dinner, because then they’ll look bad. Can’t have that!
Don’t forget who the narc truly is. They may have moments of kindness or seemingly easygoing behavior, but this is a farce. This is to get your guard down, to get you to give them a little trust and when they have you where they want you, they’ll behave exactly how you would expect- rude, disrespectful, arrogant, and manipulative. There is no true kindness in the narcissist and if you ever find yourself wondering about how nice and loving they’re being- ask yourself why? They have something up their sleeve and it won’t be long until you are once again the victim and kicking yourself for falling for their tricks.
Signs and Symptoms
Watch how they behave when they’ve gotten a reaction out of you- they might smirk, knowing they’ve accomplished their ultimate goal. Which is to set you off and use your reaction against you- telling everyone else to watch how you act “crazy”, but neglecting to tell them all of the things they did that made you act that way.
Life for the narc is all about the narc. They don’t have any interest in doing favors for you- unless they also get something out of it. They only do things to get attention, money, or whatever else they may be interested in at that time. If they need a babysitter, they may do something nice for you- but not without asking you to babysit for them. And if you say no to babysitting, you can bet they’ll throw in your face the nice thing they did for you. Nothing they do that seems kind or nice is genuine- it’s all for show. It’s all so that they can shove these “nice” things in your face when you don’t follow their rules or do what they want!
The narc doesn’t make anything easy- they have to be difficult about EVERYTHING. Let’s say you ask them to go do something fun for the weekend that you’ve planned
Something you’ve been planning for a while- you’ve picked the restaurant, the places you’ll stop along the way, the stores you want to shop at. And you’ll ask the narc to join in, in an attempt to bond with them, have fun, be normal for once! This. Is. Impossible. For instance, they might say “I don’t want to eat there, its too expensive. But when you offer a coupon that you have, they’ll complain about the quality. “I’ve heard that place isn’t good”. Even though you’ve heard it’s really good, they won’t care. What you’ve heard about the restaurant doesn’t matter. Then they’ll say they don’t like the type of food, such as “I don’t even like Chinese food”. But, you’ve seen them eat Chinese, you’ve eaten it together, you’ve ordered it together before. Arguing won’t help though so you offer to pay for them in a last ditch effort to get them to eat at this place you’ve been dying to go to, and they’ll say they’ve got a better idea and suggest something completely different than what you wanted to do! When you say “look I really wanted to eat here, I’ve already planned this, I asked you to come go to this particular place because I really like it” they’ll say “you didn’t even ask what I wanted to do!”
Even though you could have not invited them at all on YOUR planned trip, they won’t understand that. They will simply try to take control and throw a temper tantrum when you don’t let them have their way. And they don’t do this because they actually don’t like what you’ve planned or because it’s actually too expensive. They do this because they are miserable people and they want to make you miserable, too.
Another thing to consider with the narcissist, is the trauma, the PTSD, that the victim deals with after cutting communication. It’s not the same for everyone, some will feel like they’re missing something- could be the family that they’re being kept away from. Some will feel lost- they’ve dealt with such abuse for so many years, it’s hard to know what to do after they’ve cut it out of their lives. They try to remember what it was like to be happy without the narcissists constant abuse. Either way, it’s important to let them adjust in their own time. Don’t underestimate the narcs power over them, they might go back several times before finally giving up. And don’t underestimate the narcs ability to manipulate others to see themselves as the victim.
If they’re not doing anything to make you look bad, you can bet they’re planning it. Or they’ve moved on to someone else for the time being. Watch for how many DIFFERENT people they have drama with. It won’t just be you- it could be their entire family, their friends, their children, their coworkers. It will always be someone, but it will NEVER be the narc.
The narc only surrounds themselves with two types of people- enablers and victims. People they can use to their benefit who help them get away with their terrible behavior, and people who they can treat terribly. Sometimes you’ll notice they have cut off someone close to them- this is because they’ve lost control of that person. The victim has finally refused to play their games. After some time, they may try to become close with that person again, but when the victim shuts them down, they will still try to remain in control. Even if that means keeping you away from their kids, or telling others how awful you are- they will do anything to have an influence over you, control you, even if that means trying to control how others see you.
The Game
The narc is a GIANT hypocrite. This is because the rules they want you to comply with don’t apply to them. They might call off work once a week- they’ll have an excuse of course, but if you call off twice in a month, you’re lazy! They will complain about how you don’t come to every one of their kids functions, but they won’t come to any of yours and think that’s okay. They will make excuses to why they can’t come to your party, but if you have a legitimate reason to not go to one single game or recital, they’ll act out, call you names, make you feel terrible. Over something so insignificant. You could go to 5 out of 15 games, after all you work weekends! But it WONT MATTER, it’s never enough! And let’s not forget when you try to make plans to take their kids somewhere, like to an amusement park, they’ll have every excuse why they can’t go. It’s all about control. You could say pick a weekend, any weekend, I’ll take your kids camping. They’ll say they’re busy every weekend 😂 You can’t spend time with their children unless they can be in control of it!
The Narcissist plays a game. They’re usually pretty good at it, but they typically underestimate those around them and their ability to see right through the game. It’s so important that every person who becomes a victim stands up for themselves, doesn’t let the narc get away with their awful behavior. Otherwise, the narc will use that fact in their favor. They’ll say that THAT OTHER PERSON didn’t complain when they did that terrible thing, only you! If you’re the only person calling them out on their crap, you’re fighting a losing battle. The narc needs many people to stand up to them for them to come undone. Realistically, it won’t matter, they’ll simply cut off all of their victims and find new ones. But, it will be much easier to stand up to them with an army, even if it means you lose. Which, you will, because you can never win with a narc. Unless cutting them off is indefinite, no questions asked, no need to communicate whatsoever. But, if it’s family, this can be difficult.
In most cases, you can’t win with a narcissist. They will do everything in their power to make you look bad. They’ll lie about their own behavior to cover up any wrongdoings, twist and manipulate your words and use them against you, and ultimately they will win. You could record them and try to prove to others how they act. But, in most cases those to whom you’re trying to prove the narcs bad behavior are being manipulated too badly. They won’t even consider the proof. They will call you crazy for recording them, make excuses for them. If they are being manipulated bad enough, you can’t do anything. They have to realize all of this on their own.
The narc will keep control in one way or another. Even if this sacrifices their own children and puts them in the middle. Even if it means ruining relationships. They. Do. Not. Care. They will stop at nothing, stop at no one. They’re bad people with bad intentions, bad attitudes, and bad behavior.
All you can do is know your truth and avoid, avoid, avoid. Any and all communication will be used against you.
Just say no.
Life and Times of a Registered Nurse 